I spent most of 2021 living a quiet life. Like a house cat and I learned a few things about myself on this road to recovery. Surviving the ectopic pregnancy brought stillness and more love into my life. A tranquility I never thought possible.
I learned that I do really enjoy being solitary, although I do have bursts of extroversion. As a whole I prefer my own company and the company of a few loving souls who are jovial in nature too.
I’ve learned to have strong boundaries. My life is so precious and short and I won’t feel guilty for being more discerning of who I choose to be in my inner world.
I have also learned that I’ve spent the majority of my life externally focussed with my creativity. I made things in the hope I’m worthy of others, to be externally valid in the rat race. I used to go above and beyond to create what is asked of me for free or exchanges-believing one day that individual or company would see my worth and choose to pay me. I believe this is where my imbalance is in my bodymind.
Internalising my creative energy helps me heal from within, choose projects more aligned and I’ll birth beautiful things because I truly enjoy it, not because someone wants something from me.
I now realise the blockage in my sacral chakra, which I’d say is the most powerful (my third eye and heart chakra coming close second and my throat chakra needing a little TLC) and yet, even though it is the most powerful- I’ve allowed people to take advantage of it and I’ve even starved my feminine creativity & sensuality under the belief I’m undeserving of nurturing time for rest or falling pregnant because my mother drilled it into me that I must keep working and not be lazy.
Pleasure for the sake of pleasure was never allowed in my childhood. Dolce far niente– The sweetness of doing nothing was cancelled. I feel that this is the root emotional wound of my ectopic pregnancy. The sweetness of making love-making something from love-the joy of creating purely for enjoyment was banished. So I am gifting myself time for pleasure, beauty, luxury, sweet nothings, peaceful days of crafting, reading, poetry and day dreaming.
And I’m glowing. I’m healthier for it. As a Libra, I’m a real Aphrodite woman now!
That being said, much of 2021 was a year of writing and it’s been such a blessing for this talent to emerge! I’ve written stories, letters, poems and kept diaries since I was a little girl. I wrote spells in the rose gardens. My talent for writing took a backseat for so long but it’s come to the forefront full throttle!
A heartfelt portal has opened and it seems to be a talent I’m appreciated for, simply for creating pieces. Nobody wants anything from me except to enjoy what I’ve published-whenever I dare to recite anything. It feels good to just be appreciated for who I am, not for a tangible thing I can make for other peoples gain.
My words and my voice are said to be splendid and just listening to me soothes the soul after a rough day or a poem sends them into a day dream. I feel loved in a healthier way, my art is not taken advantage of. It feels good.
I’ve become a published poet, essayist and memoirist in both digital and print magazines. For 2022 I have new material coming soon, one of which is a poetry chapbook and I’m writing articles for a stunning witchy magazine called Femme Occulte (which is sold in Treadwells bookstore– those who know, know this is a big deal!)
It seems my writing is helping me fly, it’s really taking off which feels exciting and strange for me because this ‘talent’ wasn’t something I myself appreciated. It was just something I did alongside Fine Art. I never really thought it would become something, although it’s always been there-even in my Fine Art degree I was including prose and poetry in my collages and video installations.
Words are spells. So I’ll use them wisely and like an alchemist I’ll incorporate poetry, musings and journaling into my wellness workshops and retreats. I want to fascilitate writing therapy sessions with cacao and women’s circles and more.
There is also a witchy book on the way and editor opportunities unfolding naturally. I’m not begging or pleading to be given a chance, companies are asking to hire me. The whole process feels effortless, all I am doing is just being me, just creating wordy things for healing and pleasure and it’s had a ripple effect without even trying.
I’m also starting up a diary again, I used to keep diaries between age 12 and 19. I then went on to create art journals from age 20-25 and kept a lifestyle blog from 25-31. From age 31 I began publishing wellbeing articles on yoga sites and at 35 I’m a published poet. But I want to strip it all back again to keep a diary and who knows perhaps when I’m gone my diaries will get published too?
So much to think about, so many ideas. And I’m enjoying the process! I’m enjoying my new found sense of peace. I’m enjoying being an Aphrodite woman!