“What does it actually mean to choose You? In each moment to have your own back. It’s a dropping of the need to be chosen by anyone else because ultimately when we choose ourself a fullness is rediscovered that no outside filling could ever have filled anyway. Imagine that every love song written signifies you singing to you, longing for you, missing you. How does it feel to choose you? In each moment, no matter what, to keep showing up for yourself. What does that actually feel like?”- Meghan Currie
Choosing myself means being strict with what I will allow in my life. I will not tolerate any form of bullshit and the bullshit excuses to match, anymore. I think in my younger years I was very quick to forgive and very quick to say “We’re only human, we all make mistakes” and whilst this is still true, my softness towards wrong doings encouraged people to get away with mistreating me over and over again. The smallest wrong doing would be swept under the rug until it festered and became something bigger, and its in those moments I realized I should have listened to my intuition from the very beginning, because it is always right- yet for a really long time I’d question if my gut feelings were correct, in the end it was always too late and I’ve been decieved or emotionally manipulated yet again.
I have very high standards now as to who I let into my life and who I can trust with the softest part of my soul. I’ve learned that part of me is very precious and I’m saving it for those who truly deserve it. Also as an INJF, I have no problem giving anyone the psychological door slam, to save myself from further pain, I won’t hate the person who has wronged me, but I will treat you like nothing, as harsh as this sounds, it is a final straw to protect myself and life is too short to allow any form of toxic energy to thrive in my short existance. With a lot of knowledge on mental health and human behaviour, plus my life experiences and general sensitivity and intuition to an environment I can see patterns emerging before the final outcome. Like a spider weaving a web, I know what the web will look like before completed. I am very good at connecting the dots and seeing or knowing what is going on, on a subtle level.
Thing is, I do love the company of others, I love very deep and meaningful friendships and relationships but once someone has tampered with my trust, you’ve lost me emotionally forever. I want to fall in love just like everyone else does but I am happy single too. Like a black leopard I am happy to be solitary and observe from a distance.
I think to practice self love is to put yourself first, this is not being selfish, it is to love yourself fully so that when the right people come into your life, they are literally a bonus rather than filling a void. I do not need a knight in shining armour, although it would be nice to have one. I do not need the grand romantic gestures, although it would be nice to experience it. I do not need anyone to complete me, although it would be nice to be in love. I am an all or nothing person. If you can not give me your absolute all, then just walk away before I give you the psychological door slam. Like I said, I am quite happy being alone because I love myself, so sharing a life with a loving partner is more like the cherry on top.
I do not need to be chosen by anyone because I already choose myself.
I recently went through something painful, it was a seemingly small thing but still painful because I had the foresight to predict the outcome. And I decided not to dwell on it, to protect myself I realized I hadn’t danced or practiced yoga for ages. Giving love to myself and dancing away the bullshit, I came back to my body and gave myself some joy and in the process I noticed I am so close to getting my splits! Which made me feel proud of my progress and excited for a future photoshoot that celebrates self love, yoga, belly dance and a new chapter in my life. I feel very womanly and sexy right now and any man who wants to be with me needs to step up and prove himself a king worthy of this queen, otherwise, like most leopards, I am content to walk alone and I’m free spirited enough to take everything that comes with great courage.